FOSY (fear of saying ‘yes’)

Many of you have heard of FOMO, fear of missing out.  Dragging yourself along to something, even if part of you is screaming, “Dooooonnn’t maaakkkke meeeeee, I just wanna stay in my sweatpants and drink hot cocoa”, because you’re anxious if you don’t go you’ll ‘miss out’.  The thing is, either way you ‘miss out’ on something.  It could be that rager party where out of nowhere Ice Cube showed up (he was just in a movie I watched, first name that came to mind) and put on a free gig, or that night staying in curled up with the dogs and getting a much-needed rest.  Whether you choose A or B, you’re missing out on the other thing.  Basically, you should have FOMO 24/7 as such. 

Some of you may have had the life-changing experience of reading ‘Choose your own adventure’ books growing up (if you have not, get online NOW and find one, they are magical).  By life-changing, for many I mean anxiety-causing freakout reading sessions constantly worried you’d chosen the wrong adventure, and then having no flipping idea how to go back and choose again, even though you’d thought you just turned a single page.  If you have no idea what I’m ranting about, basically the book would get to a certain point of the story, and you’d either choose to go down the dark narrow alley chasing what looked like a lost puppy (please turn to page 28) or get in the cab you’d called earlier and was pulling up right as the alleged puppy gave a little howl somewhere in the foreboding darkness (please turn to page 39).  After choosing A of course (you better have picked the puppy!) and then realising it wasn’t a puppy at all but in fact a werewolf, try as you might you could never turn back the pages to find where that branch-off was and try again!  See, FOMO is everywhere, cause while every part of you was saying, “Hey dumbass don’t go down that dark, horror movie style alley”, ya did, as you were worried you just might miss out on a puppy.  Those of you who are less susceptible to FOMO, however, are currently cosied up in a cab heading home to dinner instead of turning into werewolf food.

What about FOSY though, ‘fear of saying yes’?  As much as I’d like to say I coined this, it has been around for a few years now.  In some cases it can relate to really big stuff, like social anxiety, financial stress making people feel a need to turn down things, and lack of self-confidence.  It may even be something worth seeking professional support for, as social wellbeing is more and more showing to be one of the cornerstones of good overall wellbeing.  There is also the side of FOSY where we struggle to say “yes” as we’re concerned ‘future us’ would really wish we’d have said no.  If you’re a Facebook events responder, have a think about how many times you take that glorious ‘tentative’ option when responding…even when you know you are 100% free that day and it sounds like a pretty good time (this is me, most every time).  It isn’t like I don’t want to go!  However, the further away it is, the more time I have to think about everything else I ‘should’ be doing by the time that event arrives (ya know, laundry, meal prep, building a pizza oven from the ground up).  By the time that day arrives, I’ve either completely talked myself out of it, and also written about 4000 messages to the host in my head about why I can’t suddenly make it after panicking and clicking ‘yes’ just yesterday, or less commonly managed to rally and go because the guilt has gotten the best of me.  If the later, I then often have a wonderful time as wherever you go, there you are=I’m often too stubborn to be miserable once I get there (unless it’s after 8pm, then get me home or I often turn into the grown-up version of a cranky toddler who just wants her dogs and bed).

Be if FOSY or FOMO, both mean you miss out on one thing but experience another.  However, we too often focus on what we didn’t do, when instead we could be embracing what we did.  Either way, it was our choice in the end (unless you have been physically forced to attend the event you so desperately wanted to avoid, in which case you may as well make the most of it anyway since you’re there=still have some choice).  Other than a Magic 8 ball, there’s no way yet to predict the future nor return to the past.  So, instead of freaking out about FOSY or FOMO, consider trying a little JOWYA, and finding ‘joy in where you are’ (t-shirts coming soon…).  Now, back to my cocoa and dogs, my ‘yes’ for this evening (and lets be honest, most nights really).